My Happy Life?

Kenapa? Happy ke? Mesti la kan... Tapi kadang2 tu ada naik turunnyer. Kenapa orang tak tulis pasal turun? Kenapa aku tak tulis pasal jatuh aku? Malu? Ego? Mesti la kan. Ada masa aku rasa, "Ini lah masa aku, ini lah dia 'first step to success' aku, tapi tiba2 kau jatuh. Kau kecewa. Kau ingat kau buat apa yang betul. Tapi tak. Kau ingat kau dah buat yang terbaik tapi tak pun. Kau ingat kau yang terbaik tapi tak pun. Adakah aku letak perspektif terlalu tinggi atas diri aku? Mungkin. 

Aku selalu marah. And end up, kekecewaan aku, memakan diri aku. Aku tak ada mood. Malas nak buat apa2. Aku dah tak tau apa yang buat aku happy. Apa yang aku nak buat?

Aku berhenti kerja, kerja yang makan masa hampir 5 tahun sebab aku bengang dengan management. Lepas tu peluang datang, aku 'tolong' dia dalam business dia. Dari start dia nak dapatkan kontrak, aku bawa dia kehulur kehilir malah keluarkan duit aku masa tu sebab aku ingat aku 'tolong' dia. Aku kerja siang malam untuk stabilkan business dia, aku nasihat dia macam2 untuk pastikan dia on track. Tapi aku salah. Dia hanya anggap aku sebagai pekerja yang menyusahkan dia. Dia tak sanggup bayar gaji aku. Walau aku kerja lebih dari kerja gaji RM2k aku. Aku ambik gaji cukup2 untuk bayar monthly bill aku. Just enough. Tak ada dah duit lebih for that extra. Tak ada dah duit untuk fun run, my happy pills. Tapi aku sanggup. Sebab aku fikir, maybe if I help him make the company grow bigger, I will eventually earn more, and maybe when he is stabil enough then I can open another company and collaborate with him. Tapi tak pun, maybe dia ingat aku nak lingkupkan company dia kot. Tapi dia tak pernah nak bersyukur. Ko baru bukak company and your profit for the first, 2nd and 3rd month is already more than RM1k and for the 1st month you already can pay for your debt. What else do you want? For me, a successful business is the one that grow slowly but surely. But the young age in him says no this is not enough. I don't want to waste money on people working for me. It is a waste. I gave him everything I know throughout my life. I gave him knowledge from years just like that, just to know he doesn't acknowledge it.

Why am I writing this? Because for all this years, for all the struggle, for all the tears, blood, I didn't know he would hurt me so much. Yes, bukannya aku tak pernah kena macam ni. Tapi aku tak sangka dia yang buat macam ni. Ya, dia masih tak matang. Tapi at least respect me. A person who help you. 

Then for all that happen to me, the next day, I got a call for a job. Yes I got the job. I was moon over hill. I cried because I was so happy. Tapi hari pertama kat sana. Disaster. So, I didn't come the next day. Just don't want to tell anything more. 

Now, I am sitting here, in front of my laptop, writing again. I am writing again. I need to write my frustration out and I have a lot. 

Seriously a lot. But I don't think I would write everything. Not everything is meant to be read by public. So for that, I am sorry you, but I am really sad for what you did and it is eating myself up. Aku kena tulis semua ni sebab aku dah tak boleh hadam semua ni.

Terima kasih sebab bagi aku peluang dan pengetahuan. 

Lepas tu suami aku kata, cari jer kerja senang2, kerani biasa2, jangan buat kerja yang high responsibility, kerja dekat2. Okay, I will try. Aku dah submit banyak application tapi usaha masih diteruskan, baru 3 minggu? 2 minggu? Ntah. Aku dah biasa kerja, aku jadi risau bila tak ada sumber. Aku harap lepas nie hidup aku lebih teratur.

Aku nak workout macam sebelum nie, participate dalam fun run, then marathon. I need to practice also. Because I have a 10km run this November. Mungkin lepas nie aku patut tulis pasal fun run and all that. Be active again. Fit and hot.. Hahaha....  Mungkin.

Adakah susah untuk tulis pasal yang hitam dari yang putih? Adakah penting apa yang orang fikir pasal kita?

"Don't let people's perspective let you down, you are yourself, you are your world."

The end and the beginning.☺